Friday, June 24, 2011

An email subject line read, "data breach quiz" and I thought it was "breakup quiz."

I had a strained day yesterday which left me heavyhearted. I was as dismal inside as the weather was outside. I worked my evening job but spent much of the time distracted and impatient (and I need oodles of patience at this job). The woman I worked for detected my angst and tried to stay focused but it was difficult for us both.

I came home, crammed food into my mouth and then crammed some more, without waiting for that internal signal to tell me I was full. I checked my emails and was in bed before 10 p.m. I just couldn't deal with any residue from my day. It all ended with a fitful sleep wracked by unpleasant, anxious dreams.

Things with him have been progressing gently, with lots of love, compassion, and forgiveness.  Believe me, it is NOT easy. It is easy to love him, it is easy to be loved by him, it is even easy to forgive him...but it is not easy to erase the hurt of his betrayal.  I look at something and I think, "did he purchase this for their home?" I find myself asking him just that and then I regret it. It is not whether he tells me 'yes' or 'no', it is the sadness that surfaces - it is the fact that the question always lies in wait. I try very hard to let go. I have a much better understanding of what went down the last seven or so years and I have sympathy and tenderness toward him. He hurts, more than me. It's genuine and it's painful to watch and feel.

It is still a very confusing place to be. Why do I love this man so completely when his betrayal was so absolute? I don't harbor much anger toward him at all; he has enough contempt for the both of us. Yesterday there was an edginess to his voice; he tried in vain to keep the love and gentleness in his conversations with me.  The words were there but so was the edge of anger and frustration. Not at me, I'm sure. It was with himself and how he chose to live his life.

But it unnerved me.

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