Wednesday, June 29, 2011

taking possession

I wandered off my path in therapy. I started therapy with Dr. B however many years ago to find a way to integrate my parts and become "whole."  And that's what I primarily worked on - trauma healing to become whole - until the end of last year when other life stuff veered me off my course. This 'life' stuff was important but lately, I was beginning to feel that therapy was more of a chat time than a healing time and although I am more 'whole' than I have ever felt in my entire life, I don't think I'm quite done.

So, I told Dr. B last night that I need to get back on course to finish my work. "I feel so different," I told her. "I look at life in a whole new way; I feel positive and lighter, and more complete. I just feel better." She smiled and said that I was so much better. "Look at the boundaries you have just recently set!" Another miracle, I'm sure.

"I'm not really sure how I got here. I talk to you; I cry to you; I complain to you and then you ask me to sit quietly and feel what's going on inside my body." And I've been doing this for several years and I feel better but I don't know how it works. She has explained to me how it works - somatic experiencing - but it's still not easy to fathom. It feels like it should be more, more painful, more devastating, more suffering. Maybe I have just forgotton.

Time was up and she isn't one to run over. "If I were to sum it up in one sentence," she pondered. "Hmmm...I would say, 'you took possession of yourself.'"

I like that. Maybe I took back possession of myself but I'm not so sure I ever had possession.

Monday, June 27, 2011

favorable outlook

Okay, so we spent a -- hmmm...how to describe our weekend together. It was intimate (and it didn't involve sex); it was emotional, it was healing, it was gentle, it was, at times, normal, it was slow and quiet. And most definitely it was loving.

And exhausting, and a roller coaster of emotions for me when we were apart. I still cannot reconcile what happened between us. I listen to him; I feel him. He's filled with sorrow and remorse and hurt over his life, especially the last seven years or so. He wants to bury his head in a project and not deal with the uncomfortable emotions that erupt. But that doesn't work anymore and he doesn't quite get it. I encourage him to embrace his feelings, accept them, and allow himself the time and space to heal them. For two decades I watched him distract himself from his emotions with work. He is trying. It is exhausting.

Friday, June 24, 2011

An email subject line read, "data breach quiz" and I thought it was "breakup quiz."

I had a strained day yesterday which left me heavyhearted. I was as dismal inside as the weather was outside. I worked my evening job but spent much of the time distracted and impatient (and I need oodles of patience at this job). The woman I worked for detected my angst and tried to stay focused but it was difficult for us both.

I came home, crammed food into my mouth and then crammed some more, without waiting for that internal signal to tell me I was full. I checked my emails and was in bed before 10 p.m. I just couldn't deal with any residue from my day. It all ended with a fitful sleep wracked by unpleasant, anxious dreams.

Things with him have been progressing gently, with lots of love, compassion, and forgiveness.  Believe me, it is NOT easy. It is easy to love him, it is easy to be loved by him, it is even easy to forgive him...but it is not easy to erase the hurt of his betrayal.  I look at something and I think, "did he purchase this for their home?" I find myself asking him just that and then I regret it. It is not whether he tells me 'yes' or 'no', it is the sadness that surfaces - it is the fact that the question always lies in wait. I try very hard to let go. I have a much better understanding of what went down the last seven or so years and I have sympathy and tenderness toward him. He hurts, more than me. It's genuine and it's painful to watch and feel.

It is still a very confusing place to be. Why do I love this man so completely when his betrayal was so absolute? I don't harbor much anger toward him at all; he has enough contempt for the both of us. Yesterday there was an edginess to his voice; he tried in vain to keep the love and gentleness in his conversations with me.  The words were there but so was the edge of anger and frustration. Not at me, I'm sure. It was with himself and how he chose to live his life.

But it unnerved me.

Friday, June 17, 2011

is an eruption inevitable?

I sure hope not but sometimes I am overwhelmed with a feeling that all this love and compassion and forgiveness will evaporate and what will emerge will be a deluge of bad feelings - an eruption of anger and sadness that will choke me and leave me gasping for breath in some miserable reality.

But I don't believe that. It is fear talking. I look at him and I can feel truth and sincerity in his words and actions. I have always felt love but it was never pure. I sensed the secrets and the lies. I just didn't know what they were. I don't experience that anymore.

I believe he is sincere. Time, I suppose, and his actions toward me and with me, will heal my wounds and mistrust. Unfortunately it doesn't happen overnight. But it seems to be happening quickly.

I don't feel any volcanic rumblings in my gut. I don't feel any angry anguish in my heart.

I think (and I pray) that this will work out and I will be okay.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

the glimmer of hope is shining brighter

I must tell you that I really had no idea where our relationship was headed. He wouldn't move out of his girlfriend's house and I was suffering from a monumental betrayal. We both wanted and hoped to be able to patch things up and move beyond all the hurt. Was it possible? How strong was our love? It is a daunting task.

I had little hope that he would be able to be the man I once loved. Actually I wanted more than what I settled for in the past. He had little hope that I would be able to forgive him. We are both working hard to change the very nature of our relationship and we are different people than we were.

Bottom line? I have hope; real hope. All of this, all of this love I feel, is nothing short of a miracle and I can certainly appreciate and cherish any miracles that come my way.

It feels like a new beginning. It's strange that on the flip side of something so devastating and traumatic, something so beautiful and loving can emerge.

Together we are the lotus flower growing up out of the mud and into a beautiful blossom.

I know it's corny but it's how I feel right now.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

pending confessions

I spoke to my girlfriend on the opposite coast yesterday and told her I needed to talk to her about something that had happened in my life but I was afraid that she would be too judgemental. She promised she would keep an open mind. She knew something was going on between the two of us because I never mention his name anymore. I said an affair would have been simple. She asked if our relationship was a done deal. I told her no and that we both hoped that it wasn't but time would tell if we can actually mend the wounds.

I need to talk to someone about what is going on but I need someone who will be supportive and not call me a fucking asshole.

You were beautiful then but you are way more beautiful now -- James Maddock

I believe in love.

Monday, June 06, 2011

abuse is alive and well

Maybe not in my life but definitely in the lives of those I love. I learned some very disturbing information about him this weekend and I must tell you, it makes me physically ill. It has interrupted my sleep, my stability and just makes me want to cry.

What is it you might ask? When he decided to move in with his girlfriend six years ago, he stepped right into an emotionally abusive relationship which began almost immediately. You might say to me, oh that is such bullshit - he's just handing you another lie. But I don't think so. You didn't see the look in his eyes; you didn't see his slumped over shoulders as he told me this stuff; you didn't see the shame and hurt in his face; you didn't hear the excuses he made to justify her actions; you didn't hear the self-loathing in his voice; and you didn't feel his fear and insecurity of having to go back to that house.

He has used these words - lambasted, chastised, berated, bloody screaming matches, bullied -- consistently, every 7-10 days for all those years, out of the blue, unprovoked verbal attacks on him; thrusted middle finger in his face all the time.

He was an adult. She was too. They merged their lives and formed an abusive, dysfunctional relationship. I sat on the outskirts knowing things were out of sync and deeply troubled but I didn't understand why. He was traumatized and he lied to me about everything. He was terrified of losing me and at the same time felt condemned to this life of abuse because his actions had already caused the inevitable loss.

It's very sad.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

sex sex sex

I asked him today, "If sex with me was so great, why did you want to have sex with someone else?" Without even turning his head to look at me, he responded, "I didn't."

But you did. No, I didn't. You didn't what -- have sex with someone else? But you did. I didn't want to. Then why did you?

He didn't answer. I asked again, "Why did you?"

"I don't know but I didn't want to."

Because in order to have a relationship with her and move into her house, you had to have a sexual relationship?

"I suppose so."

Didn't you have sex before you were pressured to move into her house?

"I can't talk about this anymore."

No, I suppose not. I didn't want to talk about it anymore either. It is pointless and it achieves nothing but upset for us both. It happened - there's no denial at least.

Friday, June 03, 2011

what is reality?

Is life with him really going to heal and get better? I don't mean to be a skeptic but now as we are rounding the corner to the possibility of a new life together, I am having an emotional meltdown and a crushing lack of confidence in our abilities to heal. I didn't sleep last night. My anxiety levels have skyrocketed. I keep waiting for the devastating blow - to be brought to my knees with the revelation that he isn't capable of loving me in a way that is good for me. Yes, he loves me but it has to serve him first and foremost. He screwed me over and I'm nursing him back to health. Why? Because I love him and because I know in his heart he loves me. But can he love me really? He swears he can and will. I hope so. My trepidation hurts my digestive track.

So with that I'm off to take care of my upset tummy.

And maybe take a nap while sitting on the bowl (like the good old days). Oh geez.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Time marchs on

And silence from me means one of two things -- life is too traumatic to write or life is not topsy turvy with unwanted drama. Today, it is the latter. Life is relatively calm; he is finally moving out of his girlfriend's house and we are trying to figure out how we can heal our relationship. He certainly wants to make things right and I would like that as well. Do I trust him? Not so much. Does he give me anxiety? Yes. But I'm not making any snap judgments until he moves into his own place and we see how our relationship evolves and heals. I have had some indications of past behaviors that I do not like seeing but I was able to address these with him in a civilized and even respectful manner. I don't know if he really listened to me or heard me or understood where I was coming from but he said he did so for now, I will trust in that. Only time will tell and I'm not all that willing to give it an endless amount of my life to work through these issues.