Tuesday, May 24, 2011

morphing

Things are changing.  What things? Me. And I'm not so sure who I am morphing into but I do believe it is someone better -- someone more confident, self-assured, clearer, calmer, focused.

I went out of town this past weekend and it was different. I set boundaries and limits and coped much better than normal. I'm tired of being insulted, ignored and fucked over.

This a good thing to be tired of. Before I left I spoke to him and got angry. I told him I had enough of his bullshit excuses and continued lies. I told him he should try coming clean with himself. Then I left on my trip. Some movement began - little twitches, I think.

Life is too short to spend it in misery and in the company of miserable people.  That sounds harsh but too much misery can become too much misery to bear.

Friday, May 20, 2011

How am I today?

Oh, this love triangle situation has taken a toll on me. But, of course, it would. What kind of idiot allows herself to stay a part of this sick and dysfunctional situation? I question my own sanity now. I emailed him this morning, after a day yesterday of very passionate and sexual text messages, that this mess he has put us in has got to stop. What I really want is for him to move and give us a chance. Yes, yes, he tells me he is moving. Don't bug me about it. It's almost three months. I guess I am being inpatient. Yeah, right. It's insanity and why I am comfortable with it needs some serious thought. But I'm not comfortable. I'm miserable. Maybe I need to give some thought to why it is okay for me to be so miserable.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

a sinking ship

Hope floats. What does that mean anyway? It was a movie title some years back but not a movie that I ever watched -- starring Sandra Bullock, I believe. Here's the movie quote - Birdie (Bullock) tells her daughter:
"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will, too..."
Okay, so I feel that my relationship is a sinking ship. I thought hope would resurface but so far the weight of the deceit is heavier than the buoyancy of hope.

I asked him if I died suddenly, would he have regrets over how he treats me. His response? A resounding YES. But does that make a difference?

I haven't totally given up that hope may float up.

I don't really want to be on a rapidly sinking ship. If only he would move and give us a chance. If only...

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

another lie floats to the surface

And another arrow pierces my heart. So, I find myself continuously complaining about the fact that he hasn't left his home with his girlfriend, even though he swears he doesn't want to be there. But why does she want him there? If my boyfriend told me he was in love with another woman and has been for two decades, I would not have him around for almost three months. I'm not that kind hearted (and I am quite forgiving).

So the truth emerged and it was a lie. He didn't tell her anything about me. She still loves him and all he said was that it wasn't working out. Probably he said something like I care deeply for you but it's just working out for me. I love you; I'm just not in love with you. Some bullshit, I'm sure.  So, she's hanging on to him and letting him stay and he's playing the lying, crying game.

We are three adults in a very sick triangular relationship. I don't want it.

I think he might have finally pushed me off the cliff. I don't know how to forgive anymore. How much hurt do I have to endure before I give up?

Yes, that is the question. How much longer will I allow him to hurt me?

once a fool, always a fool?

I am beginning to think this is so.

It goes hand-in-hand with once a cheater, always a cheater.

What is love anyway? A sickness? A really controlling, manipulative way of treating someone? Oh, yes, darling, I love you; I want to be with you; I want a future with you - a life with you. I look forward to the day you can spend nights with me and be an intrusion in my life...

His girlfriend called me on Sunday, February 27th. He's still living with her although he told me on Monday, February 28th, he was going to move out right away - 2 1/2 months ago. And I still believe him.

Yes, once a fool; always a fool. So it seems.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

sometimes I just hate him

Some mornings I wake up just hating him. Hating him for the humiliation, the betrayal, the lies, the hurt... oh, I could go on about every lie he told me and there were millions.

I hate him.  That's such a strong word and I don't want to feel hatred but some days, it's just what it is.

And it's a beautiful morning, this mother's day, and my insides are bathed in hate. Sunlight bathes; hatred permeates. My insides are darkened by contempt for the man I love.

I love him. Some days I just don't think I want him. I mean, really, CAN I EVER TRUST HIM?

Saturday, May 07, 2011

I get overwhelmed

Yes, I get overwhelmed. How dreadfully boring I have become. Some days, some moments, sometimes I just get completely overwhelmed with the pain of his betrayal. I try to keep myself busy with thoughts other than him and then one thought or one memory creeps in and everything goes out the window.

Today I went for a 6 mile power walk with my neighbor. We went across the river and walked along the shore path. It was an absolutely gorgeous day outside. As we were leaving the park, I went to show her the upper plateau area, the place he and I had our first sexual encounter. I didn't tell my friend this but I was barely able to maintain the tears. And then I wanted to kill him for hurting me.

But alas, I'm home wearing my new shoes around the house to try to break them in. They felt comfy at first but not any more. They might not work for me but I like them so I'll try. I also bought a new office chair at a tag sale up the street. It is very comfortable.

I sent him an email this morning -- I'm not a never-ending well of patience and understanding, I wrote. Move, I wrote, before there's nothing left to save. Is that an ultimatum? I didn't mean it that way. I was trying to be truthful about how I feel. I just can't subject myself to his weaknesses and inabilities to take control of his life. But then I think, maybe this is what he wants...to stay put and keep me out on a limb.

We shall see.

Friday, May 06, 2011

it's here again

I slept soundly last night, waking up only once at 3:33 a.m. That was after having a rousing sex dream about him. I picked him up at the train last night and drove him to his car. We shared little conversation - he said my car smelled like alcohol (it was the garbage at the station) and I said he smelled like cigarette smoke. We may have exchanged words on one or two other banal topics but that was the intent and we stuck to it.

We arrived at his car less than five minutes later. I asked to meet him because I wanted a hug and I knew he usually enjoys the hugs as well. I think we both needed a hug so he agreed and there we were. Sitting in my car in the mostly abandoned parking lot at dusk. "I want to hug you standing up. I like it better than leaning over the emergency brake for a hug." He agreed. "Let me put my backpack in my car." He got out. I got out. I waited for him to put his backpack in his car. He walked over to where I was standing between the two cars. I reached out toward him for a hug. "No," he said, "not yet. Just stand there please." He has done this to me since I first met him. He likes to look at me. Sometimes it is fine; sometimes, like last night, when I feel disheveled and out of sorts, it is uncomfortable. He wears no expression as he stares at me. He looks into my eyes; he studies me from the top of my head to my toes. After what felt like an eternity but was probably only 60 seconds, he pulled me into an embrace. I breathed him in; I felt his body; we both squeezed each other. He stared off into the distance over my head. I nestled my head into his chest and relaxed for a few moments. I kissed his cheek just as a car pulled into the lot. "I have to go," he said. We let go, turned and walked to our respective driver-side doors. He gave me a little wave; I gave him a little smile and backed out of the lot in front of him.

That was our encounter. I went home and took a power walk with my neighbor and suffered with a major charlie horse in my left calf. I managed to continue the walk but not without significant pain.

His email to me that night said "I love you. I was drinking you in"

Yes, that is what he does.

When I can't deal

When I can't deal, I get hyper. I strike out against the intrusive thoughts and angst I feel with hyper-activity. Today, this morning, I tried to reverse that survival technique with something less frantic. I moved with deliberation and presence of mind. It was a strange. I watched myself chew my food and sip my water. I pressed the numbers on the phone slowly and gently. I took a deep breath before I embarked on my next task. I think what happened was I lived for an hour or so with gentleness. Slow, for me, is being gentle. I didn't pound the phone keys in a rush to make my call. I played a gentle, slow and melodic waltz.

It was a nice (yes, nice) feeling and not an easy one to keep up. I will practice.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

voices in my head

I wrote to him this morning and asked for the truth. I'm not sure he's capable of giving the truth. I told him that I had a troubling night yielding little sleep. I couldn't stop the voices asking all those questions I think I know the answer to but not really sure. Hence, the corresondence to him this morning.

Was I listening to the voices of fear?  Fear of being alone, fear of losing him, fear of finding out that he truly loves another.  Was I listening to the voices reason? Don't be a fool, keep your eyes open, don't be driven by your fears. Was I listening to voices of reality? Come on, pay attention, take the blinders off, look at it for what it is - a major betrayal, years of lies, etc. etc. etc.

I listened to the voices of all. I just hope they weren't the voices of madness.

It's overwhelming.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

so deep is the hurt

On the surface life is fine, bearable...even a little productive. Of course, I am prone to the occasional rage, especially at my boss (who is a man). It's a shame because most of the time he is innocent of all charges thrown at him. But I'm angry and he does irritate. My mood really has nothing whatsoever to do with him.  He is inconsequential.

On my drive to work this morning I felt this almost unbearable ache in my core. My heart actually hurts, deep inside. I must be harboring the pain in my cells even. I can go through my day mildly functioning, almost normal, but I can't shake the hurt inside, not even for a moment. Heartache and me have become one, not for always I hope.

And then I start to miss him. I want to call him or text him or email him. Instead I question my desire. How do I miss him? Every memory these days is tainted with poison, every memory hurts my already overwhelming anguish. Why do I want him? I think back on all those loving moments we shared and that's what I miss. Oh, there have been plenty of them. And of those plenty of loving moments, many are poisoned by acts of infidelity or lies. It's craziness because, believe it or not, I know that he loves me.

He's got issues ... major, big-time issues ... that have caused me unimaginable grief. Not that I haven't got my own without him. Dr. B said we need to discover what the real underlying historical connection is between us. It's something mighty potent (my words, not hers).

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

what I learned today

Today I learned about addiction. Today I understood why "he" always said he was addicted to me. I never liked it when he said that...addiction is not something complimentary. It's an attraction or desire that is uncontrollable and that harms. Having him tell me he was addicted to me was upsetting. I thought to myself how is loving me an addiction?

Well, today I understood. He had a new life, a new woman, a new home, and he wanted it to work. He wanted to love this other woman and to have a good life with her but he couldn't. He couldn't because he still loved me and he couldn't let me go. So, he lied to both of us. He kept some semblance of the life with her that he believed he wanted and he kept me around on a shoestring. And I allowed it.

He tried to get rid of me but he would change his mind and come back again and again. And I allowed it.

questions and answers

There are just too many questions I don't really want to know the answers to...
  • Is she smarter than me?
  • A better cook?
  • Prettier and skinnier?
  • More creative?
  • Funnier?
  • More interesting to converse with?
  • Nicer home? (that's a given)
  • Stylish dresser?
  • Warmer?
  • More compassionate?
  • More loving?
  • A green thumb?
I have better sex with him. Is that all I have? He couldn't give me up but he can't leave her.

I'm a hurting puppy today.  This is all superficial crap and I don't give a crap what she was or is.

I am who I am and that's pretty darn amazing.  Positive affirmations...YES!!!!

Monday, May 02, 2011

hmmm

I'm okay. There is a masked layer of anxiety lying in wait just below the surface causing just enough discomfort to remind me that he is not around and won't be until I want him. The thing is, I want him, but I don't want him the way he is. And I don't want him where is. But he won't change (not yet anyway) so I cannot be with him. It's for my sanity.

it just isn't easy

I had a wretched weekend, a miserable misunderstanding, and an emotional meltdown. The result? I wrote a card and told him that I needed a little space to gather myself, get grounded, step away, and calm down. I wrote how much I loathed feeling consumed, at times, with so much anger and hurt. I need breathing room.  That was yesterday morning when I drove him to the train and presented him with my card. He read it and called me during his lunch. We had a good conversation and he understood my feelings. What could he say really?  It is best for us both.

Now, it is 18 hours later and I already feel his absence. It is such a strong connection we have and it's strange to make a purposeful move to extricate myself from this relationship, even on a very temporary basis. I still love him; I still want to heal our relatonship but I know that I can't even begin until he makes the changes he needs to do. Rather than frustrate myself and fall victim to my own explosive breakdowns, I am taking a break.

US forces killed Osama Bin Ladin last night and I found myself first thing this morning texting him about the news. It's natural but then I realized I was taking a break. I still sent it and he replied.

Now I will live with the anger, process the hurt, and hopefully, calm down.

It just ain't easy.