Thursday, March 31, 2011

It keeps coming

Yesterday, I managed...today, not so much. I woke with an anxious knot in my gut. I decided to stop and purchase a cup of coffee at the new bakery at the bottom of my hill. The baker's husband talked me into getting a fresh-from-the-oven lemon muffin to go with my coffee. The muffin was delicious and it wreaked havoc on my digestive track. I haven't been eating gluten in months and it did not agree with me. My 45 minute drive to work was painful. I thought I needed something to warm my insides and soothe my soul. Ha!

I also came to the realization on my drive to work that my betrayer most likely (I have no proof) got involved with his girlfriend before he ever ended our relationship.  I remember that August like it was yesterday, only it was six years ago. I was being truthful with him about something he did that upset me and I was being kind and loving and he just dumped me. Right there in an instant. Now I understand why. Then he used me as a sexual fantasy plaything for the next year while he went home to his gal pal and probably had sex. So many things I just didn't get and I asked him flat out, is there someone else? And he lied. Oh, what a surprise!

This is all conjecture on my part but I am betting it is pretty right on the mark. I was going to ask him but I don't need to hear his confession or even worse, his lie. It happened and I can't change it and he can't change it. I know that he is remorseful over the whole situation. I just hope his remorse is not over getting caught but rather over hurting someone he loved so deeply.

Could I still be in a state of shock?

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

no tears

I didn't cry yesterday, and that in itself, is miraculous. I just decided I can't allow this betrayal to ruin my life. It was him, not me. Well, that doesn't quite make sense but you know what I mean.  He did the fucked up thing, not me. I'm still hurt and angry, devastated at times but not all times, and able to do a little work again. I do sleep an awful lot and I know that's the escape. He's remorseful and that helps too.

The whole situation sucks.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

3:33 again

It's going to be alright. I don't know what it's going to be but it's going to be okay. I just glanced at the clock - 3:33. The angels are with me. Today I could breathe and I didn't cry, not once.

I need something - a blessing - in my life. I probably have many that I just forgot about. I am spiritually depeleted. Maybe that is where I should seek my answers and comfort.

Monday, March 28, 2011

acid tongue

How I'm feeling today...

I went to a cobbler
to fix a hole in my shoe
He took one look at my face
And said, "I can fix that hole in you"

I beg your pardon
I'm not looking for a cure
Seen enough of my friends
In the depths of the godsick blues

You know I am a liar
You know I am a liar
Nobody helps a liar

Because I've been down to Dixie
And dropped acid on my tongue
Tripped upon the land
Until enough was enough
I was a little bit lighter
And adventure on my sleeve
I was a little drunk
And looking for company

So I found myself a sweetheart
With the softest of hands
We were unlucky in love
But I'd do it all again

We build ourselves a fire
We build ourselves a fire
But you know I am a liar
You know I am a liar

And you don't know what I've done
By the rolling river is
Exactly where I was
There was no simple cure
For unlucky in love

To be lonely is a habit
Like smoking or taking drugs
And I've quit them both
But man, was it rough

Now I am tired
It just made me tired
Let's build ourselves a fire
Let's build ourselves a fire

Saturday, March 26, 2011

never-ending

I hurt every second of every minute of every hour of every day...repeat day after day, week after week.

I can't bear it anymore.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

the hurt is too much

I can't believe I allowed this to happen to me.  How stupid am I?  I can't take the pain. I can't focus on work. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't stop crying. I hate men - all men. They are all self-absorbed, self-centered, selfish (are those all the same things?) and sexist. If they are not physically violent, they are emotionally abusive. They use women for sex and if what they have isn't good enough, they find a different one. They abandon you with their children to run off for something they perceive to be better and once that woman ceases to meet their needs, they move on. And so it goes...generation after generation. Surely, there are decent men in the world? I don't know if there are. Every woman has to make huge concessions to keep her man. Oh, don't kid yourself. Even the most wonderful men force you to take a back seat to their needs and desires. Yes, they are cunning. They can lead you to believe that they do what they do out of the deepest of love. Yeah, right. They call it sacrifice but they have no clue what sacrifice is.

Okay, I have vented and expressed my anger and hurt. Can I stop now and move on to better times, better emotions? I sure hope somehow I can. I suppose I wasn't being fair but maybe I was. I don't know anymore.

I don't really want to die.

At least I hope not.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Still living

It would be terrible if this blog became a two-year long suicide note. I hope not. I went to therapy last night and although I cried my eyes out, I did feel better for just a few minutes. But today I'm no so good. I told Dr. B amid teary sobs "something is really wrong with me." I felt lost and beaten...not unlike so much of my life. I wanted to give up. "Yes, there is something wrong with you but there's not something REALLY wrong with you. What's wrong with you is that in your young adulthood you were abused and had no tools or support and you moved forward in your life with that as your foundation. What's wrong with you is that in your childhood you were abused and had no way of coping or support. What's wrong with you is that you were a victim of countless abuses and violence and you disappeared because you had no other way of dealing with your life." Yes, it's sad. I wept a little more and mourned the little child and young adult who was so betrayed by all the adults in her life.

"But why did all this come tumbling down on me now?" My father dying, my lover betraying me, his girlfriend calling me, my memories coming back, confirmation of the physical abuse, coming to grips with the systemic sexual abuse in my father's family - that's just the last three weeks.  Dr. B reminded me that the last two years have been hell -- the realization of the sexual abuse in my mother's family, the abuse of my son and daughter, my son's mental breakdowns and hospitalizations, issues with my lover (which I now understand but had no idea then) and probably more which I can't place right now. But that's enough.

Dr. B shared a wave analogy with me which I can't quite remember.  But the upshot of it is that the wave, the tsunami, would not have hit me full on if I didn't have the presence of mind and skills to ride the wave to shore.  And that, my love, is what I am trying to do.

I hope I don't drown.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

it is just too much

I wish I was dead.

In between agonizing thoughts of abuse, betrayal, secrets and lies, I have begun to contemplate the ending of my life. You know, those suicidal ideations are back and they scare me.

If I only I would just fall asleep behind the wheel zipping down the highway 60-70 mph, it would just be an unfortunate and fatal accident. But how do I do it without hurting anyone else? How do I do it without ending up alive but severely injured? Maybe it needs to be another way. Deliberate. But I don't really want to die.

I just want the pain to stop.

Famous last words...

Monday, March 21, 2011

depression

Depression has dragged me down, deep underground and it sure feels like I've entered hell. There's no place to turn that is calm or peaceful. I spent nearly 36 hours in bed this weekend, numb, angry, sad, and crying my eyes out.  From 7 p.m. Saturday night until 5:30 this morning when I forced myself up and out of bed to go to the gym and work. I still feel so tired. I don't want to be awake. My left eyes is hemorrhaging again. I guess I don't want to see what I must look at.

Oh brother, and to think six months ago, I thought I was on the fast track to healing. Life was zipping along in a good direction. The derailment was not anticipated but I suppose without my years of SE work, I could have sustained far greater injuries in the crash.

I succumbed to a major depressive episode this weekend. It felt awful and I wasn't sure I was going to get through to the other side. I'm not there yet but I still have a little of the fight left.  Thank goodness! Sometimes the pain of all the betrayal in my life overwhelms and I think that yes, perhaps, death would be a godsend. But, again, I'm not ready to give up.  Not at this moment anyway.

What blessings do I have in my life?

I have to work one that one because I do know there are many -- my thoughts, however, are clouded over with darkness right now.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

a very sad truth

Four men - one father, two husbands, one love of my life

All four of them were major influences in the paths I walked down in my life - or crawled, or fell down, or danced blindly, or tiptoed -- it didn't matter. They all pushed me in a direction that was suitable to them and although I didn't always follow their orders, they definitely impacted the choices I made.

  • Dad - abusive, alcoholic, angry, violent, disliked women (except perhaps to fuck and control)
  • First husband - abusive, alcoholic, angry, violent, hated women
  • Second husband - abusive, psychotic, angry, violent, hated women - didn't trust any female
  • Lover - kind, gentle, loving and a liar, emotionally manipulative, doesn't respect women
Number 4, my lover of 20 years, was not violent, not physically or sexually. I guess that's a plus (or a positive twist on an otherwise blistering hurt).

Friday, March 18, 2011

gone

I have no energy, no desire, no motivation, no caring, nothing. I can barely muster up the energy to breath...good thing it happens automatically. If not, I would be on the floor here by my desk turning blue. It is an effort to lift my fingers to type and my boss expects me to be brilliant and creative today. No such thing is going to happen right now or later today. I just want to sleep and sleep some more.

Maybe it's depression. I suppose the stuff that has been happening in my life could bring on a dose of depression. I really really don't like this. I have worked so hard to get away from this state of mind and here I am again -- because of lies and secrets.

It's all SHIT.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

my future died

I'm not so sure I can survive these latest betrayals. It has just wreaked havoc on my emotions and I feel stripped down to a very frayed core. There is no more protection and my soul is way too vulnerable. Why would anyone want to hurt me? I really am a decent person - not perfect but geez, I'm not a liar (okay, sometimes a fibber and I guess that's a liar, just less intense and hopefully less hurtful). Maybe it's all bullshit, everything, everywhere. How does such a major breach of trust heal? It never did for my father and me. Of course, he never tried until the end and it was too late for any substantial healing. I guess I have to accept what I was given. Now they are all dead and all the little girls are safe. No more daughters to abuse and abandon. And maybe it started with my namesake. I was cursed from the moment I was given a name. My beautiful sweet daughter condemned. And now I am facing the ultimate betrayal by a man who I believed was the love of my life. It fucking hurts.

Why did you, of all persons in this world, choose to betray me and cause me unbelievable hurt?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

systemic

It's been one hell of a week or two or three. I spoke to Dr. B tonight and poured out all my miserable heartache. Systemic, she said. The abuse that went on in my family is systemic and has traveled through generations. I didn't stand a chance nor did any other female in the family.

I told her that my issues with the liar were the same as the issues with my family. I never stood a chance with him. They (my family and my love) both lived lies and kept secrets and left me thinking that there was something wrong with me. Sometimes it was a ruse to "protect" me from the hurt -- I suppose it was easier than admit to being the cause of the hurt. My family pushed me into marriages with abusive men -- then all attention was off of them and it was my fuckup, not theirs. And the man I loved the past two decades, he had issues and rather than look at his life honestly, he lied and kept secrets and blamed me for our failings. And I believed him, wholeheartedly, and worked so hard to try to make things right. I didn't stand a chance against the lies and secrets.

Oh my god, I really did name my blog appropriately. I had no idea.

Oh no, I am going cry.

I can't take it anymore.

Monday, March 07, 2011

it's not over till what???

The fat lady sings? Well, I'm not singing. I'm still crying and seething with anger. I'm still trying to understand how someone I loved so dearly betrayed me and used me.

I walk around with a crippling pain in my lower back and burning emptiness in my gut. And he's the victim. Did you know that? He's the hurt one - he feels so guilty and shameful for what he did. In typical fashion his answer is to become overwhelmed and unable to deal with the hurt and devastation he threw all around him.

I feel so used and abused. It isn't a coincidence that the two men who were most influential in my life, Sherman and my father, both fucked me over - literally and figuratively. And it came to a "head" (proper choice of words again) during the same week. God help me, please, to see the light and never tread in those dangerous waters. I don't have the fortitude anymore for this kind of emotional torture. I am definitely not waltzing out of this trauma and dancing down the streets of denial in a fools cap.

I just didn't see it coming. Not this.