Monday, January 24, 2011

an unfortunate incident

So, here I am existing in this rather raw emotional state and I decided to venture out of the house yesterday and go to the grocery store. Not my favorite thing to do at all under the best of circumstances but the need for nourishment overrode my distaste for shopping.

I was just about done and cruising down the dairy aisle, having just picked up a small container of cream cheese and I was assaulted by a friend's (actually ex-friend's) husband. He took me by surprise as he approached from behind. He looked at me and offered his condolences (dad's death). As  I thanked him, he reached over with one arm, pulled me toward him, and gave me mighty hug, lingering a bit longer than needed. I stepped back and thanked him politely. Then he looked at me with tears in his eyes and started telling me about his mother's passing last year and I realized he was totally wasted drunk.  He proceeded to grab me with both hands and yank me again into a bear hug. He wreaked of booze and his face was just inches from mine. I managed to wriggle away from him but I was blocked in the aisle. He started pointing and talking about the items in my cart and then reached over and latched onto me again. This time a woman a little further up the aisle caught my eye. I know she sensed my feelings of uncomfortablenss and entrapment and interupted the man and forced him to backup his cart. Without a word I made my escape.  As I came down the next aisle, I saw him with another woman trapped against the freezers (although he wasn't hugging her).

I didn't realize how much it bothered me until I was safely in my car driving home and burst into tears. I don't need this shit. I should have given him a swift knee to the balls. Thank you, ma'am, for butting in and sparing me further humiliation. She knew.

It rankled me and turned me dreamtime into a nightmare last night.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

it was a tough day yesterday for everyone

My emotions were all over the map yesterday. I cried, I chuckled, I listened in disbelief. I had poignant conversations with my sister and touching email exchanges with my brother. I felt like my head was going to explode. It was a day filled with sorrow. Sleep evaded me until about 4:30 this morning and I was able to stay unconscious until about 7:30. Needless to say, I am kind of tired this morning but I have work to do.

I spoke to my love yesterday morning. He wasn't handling my father's death very well and expressed to me the awful feeling in his gut that he couldn't shake and that he wanted to be rid of and never feel again. Well, guess who put that feeling in his gut? Yes, none other than me, again. So what was to happen...silence from him. I tried calling at one point in the afternoon just to hear his voice. He wouldn't answer. Later I sent an email - no response. Early afternoon turned to dusk and I tried calling again. Nope, no answer.  And as night fell, I tried emailing one more time. Mission failed.

I turned off my computer around 10 p.m. and went to bed. This morning there was an email from 10:45, "I love you" is what it read. A short time later a second email came telling me that his day yesterday was pretty miserable; he couldn't get his work done because he couldn't push my stuff out of his head and then he got drunk on wine and passed out.

I haven't been able to respond. I don't know what to write. He tells me I should cry and let my emotions out but just not around him (this is what I surmised by his response). I know he wants to be supportive but he just can't be. He needs to work on those boundaries. You cannot be supportive if you take on everyone else's emotions. It quickly becomes overwhelming. I need him and he's just not really available. He  wants to be there and he does try to the best of his abilities.  It's just ...

Today, I am going to clean my apartment. I went on a bit of spending spree last night, buying plants and other stuff I don't need but I needed something to change. I suppose I could have gotten drunk -- I have a gigantor bottle of vodka sitting in my kitchen and lime but no tonic water.

Maybe I'll go to the grocery store today. It's frigid outside.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

finality

Well, my father was cremated this morning...nothing remains but ashes and memories.

I cried.

Friday, January 21, 2011

talk to me, please

Lying in the dark last night I found myself whispering to my father.  Please, dad, wherever you are, come to me and tell me the truth. I won't be angry. I just need to understand. I just want to know the truth. What happened between us? I begged him to come into my dreams and just give me something to help me come to terms with our relationship.

He didn't come...not yet, anyway. I will ask again tonight.

Perceptions can be so diverse. My cousin just called me - my father's brother's son. All the men in my father's immediate family are dead...dad and his twin brothers - all crazy, all alcoholics, all dead. My cousin shared all these fond memories of my father and he was sincere. My father was fun and charismatic and charming and all those other adjectives that are often used to describe him.  But not to me, he wasn't any of those things and if he was, it was so fleeting I don't recall and it didn't make an impression.

I grew out of a very intelligent and creative family which was also deadly and very dysfunctional.

It's unfortunate, I guess

Yes, mother, it was an unfortunate death. What does that mean? That's what dear ole mom said when I called her right after learning that my father had died. I think I was in a state of shock when I called and that was not the response I expected. I just fell silent. I spoke to her again last night and she related some of her conversation with my older brother. She was so surprised that he was so upset. "I just wasn't moved at all by his death." But I guess he is your father so I can see it might upset you. Gee, thanks, mom, for understanding.

My mother who thought the world revolved around my father. My mother who dropped out of college, married my cheating, angry, drunken father, had five children and 20 years of a life with him. Yes, that man, mom, who shared in the neglect and abuse of your beautiful children and left them all struggling to make sense of their lives.

My older brother called me yesterday. He was clearly distraught over dad's death. It's such a numbing yet emotional wave that washes over us all. He was abusive and cruel and completely insensitive. We all craved love from him and none of us got it. He ripped into us in every way imaginable but at the same time had expectations for all of us as his children. It was a no-win situation. He was an angry man.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

He did do harm

He caused untold harm to everyone he had a relationship with, and now he's dead. It's shocking and numbing. I was prepared to deal with his mental demise but not really with the finality of death. He was, after all, in perfect health - no heart disease, no cancer, no old people's ailments except, of course, Alzheimers. I know, that's a big one. His blood pressure just dropped so low that he died. Low potassium levels combined with a high dose of haldol finished him off I guess. My brother called it "serendipitous malpractice."

My love suggested I pray for his soul. If anyone needs his soul prayed for, it is definitely my father. He was a mean-spirited, hot tempered, abusive, self-absorbed and cruel alcoholic. What makes his death so sad is that in his deteriorated mental state he finally became a gentle, loving man. Maybe that was who he really was long before he endured a childhood of cruelty, neglect and abuse. We pass it on, right?

No more. My promise.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Threes are all over

Maybe I am nuts...crazy for threes (not eights). I was driving the other evening and I happened to glance at my odometer. It read 123321 and I thought, omg, it's all 3's or totals to 3's and it's a palindrome to boot! How exciting is that? On Saturday I filled my gas tank. The pump clicked off at $33.03. Hmmmm. I started the motor and reached over to set the trip odometer back to zero and it was at 333.3. Maybe threes have always been here; I just haven't noticed them. But right now, it's 9:50 - no 3's.

My anxiety levels are sky high. Leaves me feeling super hyper and highly agitated. I do need to get back to the gym. All this angst leaves me exhausted.

My love and I made love Saturday night. I was really nervous. It was beautiful and hot and satisfying, as I expected. But it also had my emotions flying all over the place and he did feel that energy coming through. He was at times concerned but not enough to turn him off or away. That's a good thing. The best part? Lying in his arms afterward. He didn't jump up to leave right away and we had a little time to just be. It's been a long time.

Of course, now there's confusion and an array of emotions that run the gamut from joyous to sad.

I don't understand why we can't figure this out. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's not.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

from my favorite rambling self-help guru

In what way exactly can such an apparently life-giving connection with another human being actually be a sign of a death-wish, a desire to stop living? Because living is individuation and conflict. Because we do not agree with anyone about everything. Because we are not completely known by anyone. Because if we seem to be in complete harmony, someone is lying. And to find ourselves in such harmony is to find ourselves back in a false womb, seemingly cared for but in fact neglected, feeling selfless and actually lost, having become a part of someone else's body.

Of course it is a glorious feeling to merge with someone else, and who's to say that heroin does not have its attractions, too, but without our boundaries we die. We cannot survive skinless. When you remove your clothes, that is one thing; but when you remove your skin for a man, you are more than naked; you are vulnerable to the wind, prey to all predations of nature.
Cary Tennis.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

news reel

December 30th - My nephew had a psychotic break and ended up in the emergency room. He was hearing voices and needed to find the cameras and microphones that were spying on him. A very inept psychiatrist found him sane enough and released him.

January 1st- My nephew lost his grip on reality and a full fledged psychotic break occurred. He had a Master Plan for 01/01/11 and after tricking his brother into going to the store, he took an axe to his father's motorcycle and destroyed it. He then turned the axe on his mother's motorcycle and left the blade embedded in her gas tank. This was followed directly by an attack on his mother's car with a saws-all. After smashing the windows and lights, he proceeded to extricate the roof from the car and then destroyed the dashboard looking for the spy cameras. And he found one - the bluetooth microphone. The police were called and he was peacefully taken to the hospital, where he was admitted and fortunately, not immediately released. I told my daughter and she just collapsed in tears. Too much sorrow; too much mental illness in the world.

January 2nd - My son called completely distraught. He hadn't slept in two nights because of what had happened to his cousin. Mom, what will prevent this from happening to me? I've had a life of trauma and there's lots of mental illness in your family and my dad's. How do I know I won't snap in five or ten years? I told him he was already being treated and had spent a lifetime thus far in therapy. He stood a much better chance of surviving and defeating any sort of psychotic break. But I could certainly understand both his fear and his uncertainty.

January 3rd - My mother spoke to my daughter and told her she was off the hook for what happened to her grandson.  She went through her family tree and said no mental illness existed on her side of the family. It was all my father's side of the family. I rolled my eyes. Denial. Denial. Denial - a very familiar theme.

January 4th - My son's car broke again and I had to drive him to work and pick him up. It makes for a lot of extra traveling each day.  This continued on for a week and made for a lot of irritation and tensionnot to mention exhaustion.

I've been having lots of unpleasant dreams again and haven't been sleeping. Dreams of being dressed by women for a wedding in which I didn't want to be the bride; women trying to force me to marry my ex... No one to help me; no one to believe me.

8:40 p.m.- Last night - I met my love at the train. He spoke briefly about his therapy and informed me that he felt like he was one of my children in that he was traumatized by me and was frightened of me which is why we are where we are. I left him upset.

1:50 a.m. - I woke up with a wickedly upset digestive tract. It was painful and lasted for 3 hours. The strange thing was that along with this vile tummy ache, my hands and feet turned bright red and itched like crazy. I didn't know what was happening to me and it was beginning to freak me out. Finally I fell back asleep.

9:30 a.m. Spoke to my love. Told him that when we parted ways the night before, I was upset with what he had said. I also briefly told him about my digestive upset during the night. His response? I know, he said, followed by silence until he stated that he had to get it together to go to work. Okay.
Do I expect too much?