Thursday, December 30, 2010

Aim high - perfection

Every night as I go through my bedtime preparations, I tell myself that tomorrow morning I am, for real, going to do the following things...

- go to the gym and exercise like a obsessed, calorie-counting dieter
- possess a positive attitude
- move forward with my own work and business plan
- eat a salad for lunch and stop with the cookies and chocolate
- write in my blog

And every day time goes by and I do none of the above and I scold myself for being lazy or side-tracked or tired...until I get ready for bed again and make a whole new set of promises to myself, including a simple entry in this blog.  I've written so many blog postings in my head - beautiful prose about the morning awash in salmon colored hues; or personal realizations about addiction, or a clarity presented in therapy, or the anger I still feel toward my love. But I do nothing; I write nothing.

I just freeze. My thoughts don't stop but my actions come to a screeching halt. This has happened all my life and I'm better now but I have plenty of room for improvement.

Okay, so I'm not perfect.

Yet.

Friday, December 17, 2010

time passes, wounds begin to heal

Wow, I didn't realize how quickly time passes when you are completely immersed in unhappiness. It was almost a month between my last two posts. What I have discovered about myself is that when life becomes too difficult, I can no longer write. The pain is too raw and it hurts too much to put that sorrow into words.  Instead I just focus on work and distract myself with family matters and move forward until I come into a space that I can manage.

I went to see Dr. B last night.  We spoke of my love and his daughter and why their relationship (or lack of) affects me so deeply, and it does. Fills me with immense sadness and anger and I am powerless to make a difference just as I was as a teenager in my own life. She impressed upon me her belief that it is always the parent's place to make ammends or reach out or do whatever is necessary to repair the relationship -- no matter what the child's age. It didn't happen for me. My father dumped me at 13 and never looked back. Now he's lost his marbles and is at last in an assisted living facility for alzheimers patients where he will live out his days. I guess he will never have the opportunity to explain to me why he turned his back on me with such unwavering hostility. But I think I know and I think back in the early fall, his addled mind confirmed my beliefs.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

much has transpired

After all my weeping and misery, life has calmed down. Specifically, with caution and a healthy dose of trepidation, my love and I are attempting to ... I'm not sure what. I would like to say move toward a relationship again and I believe that's what is going on but...

I've been distracted with enough freelance work to keep me financially afloat and have dreams again. I've been earnestly nurturing friendships and trying to develop a life for myself that extends beyond my bedroom and office at home. It isn't easy when you've spent decades basically being alone or connected only to that one man in your life and your children.

Seeing my love again for very short periods has certainly worked to calm my soul. But it hasn't eliminated my loneliness or desire for him. He's so miserable it hurts. His job totalled him, like a car wreck. I can't help him but to listen and try with all my might not to be judgemental.

It is now the dreaded holiday season and it has dumped some gloom into my heart. I swore I wasn't getting a tree but I did - a sweet squat one that smells wonderful. I guess I'm entitled to change my mind.

I struggle every day to stay positive.