Saturday, November 20, 2010

begging again

Why the fuck am I begging again?

Please tell me...what is wrong with me.

He doesn't give a fuck so why do I  keep trying.

What am I holding on to?

NOTHING.  It's that simple. nothing.

Friday, November 19, 2010

my morning..

I broke down and called him this morning and then like the pathetic fool I am, I cried while leaving a message. He didn't answer but, of course, he wouldn't. He probably doesn't want to speak to me because I will be a downer and he has enough unhappy people clutching on to him.  Just add me to the clump of needy assholes.

On my drive into work I reprimanded myself for being so pitiful and weak. I know it's harsh but if I feel sorry for myself, I will cry and cry and cry some more. And I do behave like a fool believing in the power of love and commitment. I got tossed aside and had no say in the matter at all.  It wasn't like we were on the verge of a breakup. He has weighty issues he's dealing with but as he said, it was him and not me.  So why do I suffer?  Why did I get left?

Because I am compassionate and loving and I thought I was doing the right thing by him -- the man that I love.  But it is turning into the dead wrong thing for me.

Oh, I don't want to believe that. I want to believe that our love meant something to him and he will not leave me curbside. It reminds me of the photo of myself as a despondent teen sitting on the curb at the bottom of my hill in overalls and beat-up construction boots.

Live update - he just texted me. He's teaching, he received my weepy (my words) message and will call me when he's done. Now I can have more anxiety.

I have to get a grip on the situation soon before it tears me up into little pieces of nothing.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

jb

Ha!  This is so funny.  As I just published my last post, I noticed that the username associated with the post are the initials "jb."  I believed back when I started this blog that I would marry my love...hence his initial and not mine.  One day I'll fix that or maybe just apply a different word to that initial...bad-ass girl.

what happened to the man I love?

I hate to belabour the heartache I am experiencing but damn it, it fucking hurts me. I want to email him and tell him how much his actions are causing me distress and anguish. But I don't need any more rejection or dejection or just plainly being ignored. But DAMN IT, I hurt!!! I sit here and cry and regroup and cry again. My stomach aches with an empty nausea.

I just don't understand how you claim to love someone with extraordinary instensity and depth and treat them like this.  Treat me like this...

I am supposed to understand that under these circumstances, it is okay for him to crush me...maybe if he hated me...

It's not okay...even if you're losing your manhood, it's just not okay to treat someone you love and care about this way. It's cruel and heartless and it isn't coming from the man I knew and loved. What the hell happened to him?  That makes me cry as well...

sadness

There's a blanket of gloom draped over me these days. It's just not fair. For the first time in three decades, my children aren't making me nuts; my work life is improving, and I have friends. But none of that seems to pull me up out of this dark mood of sadness and dejection I am feeling because of my love.

Our relationship has truly cast a shadow of woefulness over my life and left me with a very heavy heart. I email; he doesn't respond. I call; he gets frustrated and angry with me for asking questions he's already answered. I do nothing and he responds in kind.

And to make matters worse, I miss him every single moment of my life. It's so dispiriting.

I'll try not to cry today.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

what's wrong with me?

I hung up the phone and swore I wasn't going to cry. I paced up and down my hall, repeating aloud and with force, "I don't need him." "I don't want him." Over and over and over again I blurted out the words with manic vehemence. My emotions were flooded with hurt and anger and I was fighting back tears. "I am not crying over him any more." "I don't need him." And I don't want to want him or need him. I don't need him. I don't. My dog ran into my bedroom not wanting any part of my hysteria.

I walked into my room and burst into tears. "No more tears," I swore. My voice faded to a wimper, "please, no more tears." I laid down on my bed and sobbed. How can it still hurt so much?

I'm pathetic and weak.

Why can't I stop wanting him? What's wrong with me?

I don't know

I don't know what direction I'm going.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know if I want a relationship with you or not.
I don't know what's going to happen.
I don't want you to disappear from my life.
I don't want you in my life.
I don't want to not have you in my life.
I don't know where I'm headed.
I have hope that I may decide that I want you in my life.
Buy maybe I'll decide that I don't want you.

I should learn my lessons, let go, and move on. I tried. I still try. Maybe it's time to stop. He doesn't want me but he doesn't want to let go. Where does that leave me? It leaves me face down in the shit. My stomach is sick. My heart is sick. My  mind is sick.

Sick and tired of feeling hurt. He lost his manhood. I think it might be true. He's not the man I knew and fell madly in love with. Maybe that's good. Hopefully he will find himself and share that man with me one day.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Ick...

Ick.

Can you imagine that my older brother poisoned his neighbor's dog because its barking was annoying. I get it that constant barking can be annoying but killing the pet?  Not unlike dear old dad killing our dog because it pooped on the neighbor's porch and they complained. I don't believe my brother would have enough hatred and anger in him now to do that. He's mellowed with age, I hope.

I feel like ick today. My financial situation is stressing me out. My daugher isn't moving yet and that knowledge has only increased my aggitation and stress. Loneliness might have been a scary thought but now I long for the peace.  Why is the grass always greener over there?

I though about making love to ... I don't know what to call him anymore. I sent him a text earlier - beautiful morning for making love. It was probably inappropriate and did bad things to him if he even read it.

It's the weekend and the anxiety has kicked up. There is no day in the week that I enjoy anymore.

Ick.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I'm sinking

It's as though my insides have sunk into a suffocating abyss of mourning while my heart has tumbled into a puddle of acrid bile lying in the pit of my stomach. My shoulders are hunched over in sadness. My legs are almost too weak to drag me into work. If only my love could look inside me and see what his indecisiveness and inability to commit have caused..

Oh, I know he means no harm - this, he will tell me, is just him trying desperately to take care of himself. I tried to explain it to a friend of mine but she didn't budge in either understanding or forgiveness. I just shrugged - I don't expect her to understand; she's never experienced a relationship or a love like ours. I just don't know what's better -- a passionate intense love that can't be or a loveless, passionless marriage. Neither are very satisfying or joyful.

He emailed me yesterday that his love for me was amazing. I asked why and he replied with this, "just about everything I can imagine makes it amazing...... my every thought...expression.... dream.... fantasy..... tear......smile..... cry...... ache..... scream....laugh....sigh....orgasm....movement...... makes it amazing.......it just  is."

I cried. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I can't give up yet.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

oh jeez...

I feel like I am going to explode. I can barely contain my emotions and I've been having all these flashbacks from my teenage years. It's disconcerting. I need some movement in my life; to break through. Everything feels to be on hold and I have no patience left for living life in a holding pattern.

I know that much of this feeling is attributed to that man who once was the love of my life and maybe still is but I just don't know. When I think about dating, I cringe. When I think about making love to another man, I shudder. It's just not an appealing thought. But I want a lover and a companion. Please find your way back to me, my love. I can't wait forever...maybe I can't wait another minute. Maybe I'll explode before your eyes and there will be nothing left except a quivering mass of flesh and bones.

It's up to me and I need to make some decisions. Just a few short weeks ago I thought life was moving along in such a positive direction. How quickly our perceptions of what's to come can change. One minute I'm relaxing on the rug dreaming about my future; in the next minute, it's jerked out from under me and I crash onto the concrete flooring. Ouch! Not only are my knees scraped and bleeding, but my brain is bruised and my love squandered. No, we can't take anything or anyone for granted.

I was thinking about Camp Bluefields and how terrified I used to be going through the tunnels in the blackness of night, stoned and intoxicated. It gives me heart palpitations. I looked it up on the internet and read about the suicides and murders and ghosts and goblins and giant spiders and evil entities that thrive in those tunnels. Creepy, then and now.

I stole this photo from opacity.us. Thank you.

they are not just words

Lonely, sad, depressed, hurt, exhausted, numb - these words have described my life for way too long.

I need new a narrative with adjectives that sound like joy, fulfillment, excitement, motivation, inspiration and love in its purest essence.

Minimize pain, limit the sorrow, and turn my focus toward what's beautiful in life and not what drains my vitality.

How does exuberance sound?

Sunday, November 07, 2010

friendship is a blessing!

This past week has been upsetting and when I can't cope, I can't sleep. So, it's also been exhausting. I had plans for my two friends to come over for lunch on Saturday and of course, I didn't clean or grocery shop or prepare so when I awoke that morning to drive my son to work, I started preparations for the lunch. By the way, my son had an accident in his father's truck mid-week. He suffered only minor injuries; but I can't say the same for the truck. It was an unpleasant emotional encounter with his father.

Back to friendship...it was just what I needed. We spent nine hours eating, talking, laughing. It was like a maraton therapy session for all three of us. It was powerful and intimate and humorous and exhausting and teary and beautiful. And I managed to accompany it with a four course meal (with their help) that was extraordinary. And there was no alcohol consumed! I fell into bed at 11:30 last night and slept soundly until 7:30 this morning when the dog woke me up for his morning walk.

After such an emotional week, yesterday was a godsend.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

I'm scared

I am scared to live alone. I have spent more than half my life living with my children and now they will all be gone. I don't have a husband and I don't really have a lover anymore...maybe he'll come back. So when my daughter departs next week, it's me and the dog and cats and all responsibility falls on me. Oh, but that's not really new.

Why does living alone frighten me? It stems from way back when I was a child. I remember having nightmares (6-7 years old?) of indians coming into our house and slaughtering everyone except me. I hid under the bed terrified and heard the screams and saw the puddles of blood seeping across the floor. I dreamed this nightmare over and over again for years and years.

Flash forward to my 20s with two young children and the nightmare became a nightmarish daydream where the world would come to an end - nuclear attack, tsunami -- you name it, and only I would survive with my children and have to contend with survival all alone.

It's the aloneness that freaks me out, which is so strange because in so many respects I've always been alone. Phew... Now, I worry about attacks of vertigo and falling into an unconsciousness state on my hall floor, lying in my puke, with no one there to rescue me. But that was months ago. Or having my back so severely spasming that I can't move or get out of bed. But more than any of those neurotic fears, it is worrisome to me that I just might turn inward and isolate myself from the world. That would be a bad thing for me to do. I have always had my children to force me to stay involved in the world - now it's just up to me.

Dr. B said to ask my children and my sister and a friend to each call me once a week on different days to make sure I'm okay. I don't know that I can do that. She told me she tells all her clients that live alone to do that - it just makes sense. Okay, I'll think about it.

I'm not alone yet.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

I gave myself a hug tonight

Something wonderful happened to me at Dr. B's tonight. We spent most of the session discussing the empty nest that will soon be my home (I haven't lived alone for almost 30 years), the loneliness, the ironic timing of my love's rejection of me, my finances, the hurt and anger that erupted...and my dream about dead pussywillows and my love turning into my ex.

Disappointment, she said. Yes, I agreed, disappointment was another major theme in my life. As the conversation progressed, I developed a stabbing pain in my back - felt like a knife stuck up under my right side of my rib cage. It almost doubled me over in pain.

Dr. B quickly came to the rescue. Actually I came to my own rescue with Dr. B's guidance. She watched me shift positions and grimace. What's going on? What are you feeling? I told her. She asked me what part of my body felt neutral. I couldn't really feel much except for the pain in my back. Finally I was able to focus in on my feet. They felt neutral and she asked if I was able to turn all my attention and energy toward my neutral feet. I did. She asked what else was going on in my body and told about this energy movement that was rippling down the side of my torso - both sides, emanating from my neck, just below my ears, and radiating down my sides. She asked if it was warm. It wasn't. It wasn't cold either, just neutral.

I paid attention to the rippling and its travels. It looped around to my front nestling into my solar plexus and immediately warmed up. The knife came out and the pain subsided. Dr. B smiled.

You have the power to alter your own physiological state. Now I smiled. I do. And I have the power to encircle myself with a warm, comforting hug. My homework, Dr. B said, is to practice this changing physiology every day -- give it a name, like SE Grounding, she suggested. I have to think of something a little more appealing.

And I have homework that deals with my love. Maybe I will need a new name for him too. I have to consider if this is the right thing to do as he's extremely stressed and unhappy. I don't want to add to this although what she asked me to do should help not harm. Again, it's all in how he takes it in and right now he may not be taking anything, no matter how caring, from me in a positive way.