There needs to be a settling of my soul. I need to lie down in that meadow, feel the warmth of the sun through my entire body, hear the breeze, feel the colors of the autumn leaves, smell the air. Listen to the silence and let my soul relax, let the walls finish crumbling. But I need to be in a place first that I can come back to...
I need to be strong, to listen to myself. I need to love others, but I need to love myself first. I want to be loved, openly and honestly. I want all my loves to be pure, not clouded with deceit and lies. I can have that...and I certainly deserve that. That pure unconditional love left me, a long time ago, and I have made sure always that I never would feel the pain of not having it. And it was never in question, and now it is again. And it leaves an emptiness in my heart, a reservoir of tears that flows uncontrollably. And I don't understand why I can't have it all, why I have to suffer first.
How do you forgive such subtle destruction of your soul? My parents didn't beat me, molest me, fight in front of me...we had everything we needed, didn't we? I guess not, not me. They just assumed I was okay. They didn't need to encourage me, love me, listen to me. I was invisible, my feelings were non-existent. I learned to be emotionally self-sufficient. What does that mean? I guess it means I stopped feeling. I stopped wanting, and I stopped for a long time, living life. Yes, you are always so happy, never stop being happy. We can't deal with unhappiness. Just keep on smiling and everything will be alright, just stop feeling and everything will be alright. So why not A, so why not Asshole? It's all in character for me...love me as long as I am what you need me to be...unfeeling, giving, strip my soul of everything and give nothing back...it's okay. I'll always come up smiling. You can't drown me, and if you do, I'll smile to the deepest depths. Twenty years of forced smiling...no wonder my jaws ache.
It's a work of self-love, like a work of art, a poem. That's what I am - a work of art - intense colors, beautiful blends from coarse to refined, soft edges and a swirl of compassion radiating from the inside out.
I was 39. I had no earthly idea what the next decade and a half would bring. I hadn't even begun...there was still so much to learn about the family and my life.