I went to Dr. B and slumped down onto the couch, silent. Dr. B grabbed her yellow pad and pen, settled into her chair, and asked me how I was feeling. I hate men, I told her. I was feeling poisonous anger toward men, not one or two, but all men. She jotted this down, I think. Maybe she wrote down that I looked like a crumbled, depressed woman with bleeding eyeballs. It wasn't my most attractive day.
I'm not surprised with all that you've learned in the past several months. It's not unusual for someone with your past history with men to feel this way. And with your daughter's revelations, your son's flashbacks, and your mother's confession, it's no wonder at all. Yeah, no surprise at all!
But the LOML? He's different, isn't he? I stumbled with my answer. I was angry. I wanted to include him in my blanket hatred of all men. I mean he's made me very angry very many times. Dr. B looked into me, are you sure? You have described him as a very different man than those that have been in your life. Quietly, I admitted that yes, he was different.
But then I went off on a tangent about how he's been unavailable, blah blah blah. Yes, she reminded me that he was working through his own traumas and sometimes in relationships when both parties are feeling low, the relationship can be difficult to maintain and both suffer. Well, that's the truth! I felt like crying. Usually relationships have an ebb and flow and the partners find a way to take care of each other through those troubling times.
Okay, I don't hate all men. There's at least one I don't hate. Maybe hate is too strong of an emotion to attach to all men. But there are definitely several men I could hate. The rest just irritate the life right out of me. I must be careful.