I'm almost afraid to write this post...if I mention I might be willing it to come true but I'm not. I'm just anxious. It's been just about 40 years since I crossed the Atlantic Ocean and there's Hurricane David travelling up the Eastern Seaboard. I haven't felt quite right since I decided to go on this trip. I think mostly because of the reaction of the LOML but I'm not sure. I haven't been able to think about it for fear that my fears will take control.
There's been a lot of death around me lately. It's my age, I'm sure. But still, it unnerves me just a bit. And I've been feeling estranged from my love. He's upset with me for going on this trip. He's not angry at me but he's feeling extremely anxious and he's been quiet around me. I need to feel him, his hugs...I need to hold on to our love so that if, god forbid, I don't make it back, my heart is filled with his love. Oh, my heart is filled with love (for him, from him). I'm anxious. I'll say it again, I'm a little nervous. If I keep writing it maybe it will get out of my system. Would the powers that be take my mother, my sister, and me all at the same time? It would leave my children and my sister's children orphans. But I guess if it's mean to be, it will be.
So, I want to tell you, LOML, that I love you. I love you more than you can imagine. I always have, every second of every day for the last 18 years. I love you because you have consistently loved me, even when you weren't with me, and I have never felt alone. For the first time in my life, I felt truly loved and adored and cherished. Your respect, your support, your care has helped me learn to live life. You have listened countless hours to my tales of horror and abuse and yet, you've never left. And it's traumatized you but you stayed and held me and loved me some more. I know I have frustrated you to no end but somehow you are still here. Sometimes I wonder what I did in my life to deserve your love and loyalty. I want to come back from this trip and share a life with you. I hope that we are given that opportunity.
Should something happen, please help my children understand who it is that their mother was. They don't know. Only you know, my love. One day, hopefully, you will find them and they will listen to you.
There, I got it out of my system. Quickly, my fears have been jotted down and released. Now, I can live. No, I don't want to crash in a plane over the ocean. I want to have a great time with my family and relatives and come home and work on my relationships with my love and my children, and make new friends, and get new business, and find a little peace and joy.
I love you.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I have been distracted -- with my children's woes, freelance work, my lover, my family, decisions to make, money difficulties, etc. -- and have neglected my healing work. Then it dawned on me, with the gentle pushing of the LOML, that all this chaos in my life is what I do. It's the life I have been living - it's how I avoid what's too difficult to manage at the moment. It takes a toll on me physically, emotionally.
I'm angry and anxious. I have little patience or tolerance. I have a bruise in the core of my soul and it aches constantly. I never forget what I can't really remember. I cry with little provocation but it erupts from deep within my being. Sometimes I just want to let loose with a primal scream of pain - a long pathetic wail of suffering; I wake up from my sleep gasping for air...desperately sucking in my last breath as the hyena rips into my throat...suffocating my screams, silencing my pleas. It's all so brutal. It's what life has been. Brutality, abuse, anger, hatred all smothered in a blistering quiet delusional state of denial. It's agonizing. Add to that savagery a heavy dose of sarcasm and you have it all...the environment that birthed and raised me.
But no, they will all tell me no. It's been a good life, a happy life of sorts. No, it wasn't perfect but who's life growing up is? I come from an educated family - we're all smart and talented and a little off-center. But it's no big deal, right? WRONG.
It's been a nightmare...a bloody, fucking nightmare.
And I'm sitting here today, in my middling years, trying to come to terms with it all. The dysfunction, the anger, the hurt, the consequences of my living reverberate through me, my children, my siblings, my lover, my friends. It's sad, very sad.
Posted by jb at 9:48 AM