Friday, July 17, 2009

An anniversary, of sorts

It's been a year since I started this blog. I haven't been terribly diligent about writing and the reason? Well when things got really tough -- in therapy, with the LOML, with my children, with my truth -- I struggled to write. Tears flowed, anger boiled, words froze.

You might think that is when I most needed to express my grief and pain and that is probably true. But writing the words would have been acknowledgement of my suffering and sometimes, I just wasn't ready or able. Before I could come to terms with my trauma, the next incident or physical malady struck and my energies focused elsewhere. I have many blog entries written in my head but that is where they will remain for now.

The LOML informed me that it has been a year since I started this blog.

Here's what I have come to understand: I am not lazy. I am not stupid. I am not ugly. I am not a no-good-for-nothing talentless person. I am not worthless. I am not a sexual object. I am not mentally ill. I am not a piece of shit.

And here's what I've learned about myself: I am worthy of love from all beings. I am smart. I am creative. I am compassionate. I have a beautiful mind, heart, and soul. I was severely traumatized in childhood and young adulthood. Heck, I was traumatized all my life! I am an abuse survivor - sexual and physical. I am incredibly strong and resilient. I am powerful. I am likeable. I am an empowered sexual being. I can do things that I want. I can speak my mind without anger or sarcasm. I am capable of making my own decisions about which path to follow.

And although I still feel incredible anger at my family for positioning me on a path that stole my life from me, I have compassion for them. The dysfunction unfolded and strenghtened over generations and unfortunately my children have now inherited the beast. Dysfunction marries dysfunction, raises children, and the whole process repeats, over and over again. I married into two deeply disturbed families and bore children. Now I work every single day of my life to help them through this unwanted and hurtful legacy. Enough is enough.

No one will ever hit me again. No man will ever rape me or abuse me. No one will ever do that to my children again.

And nobody will ever tell me I'm a piece of shit again.

Happy anniversary - you've come a long way baby!!!