Friday, September 19, 2008

Reflections

Some days I look in the mirror and I think "how did I get so old looking?" My eyes looked tired of living. The beginnings of deep wrinkles are settling in and I think, "but this can't be...I'm not grown up yet." I'm turning the corner into adulthood after spending three decades as a teenager. A teenager who lived a life of hard knocks...to the head, to the body, to the soul, to the heart. I was stuck emotionally in a child's mind with a frightened heart.

I tried to trust but failed. I tried to find love but failed...until now. I married and divorced, twice. I raised three children, alone. I ran from anything and everything that might snag me and hurt me; but ironically, I wasn't running from hurt. I was running toward it. I dashed full speed, without thought of consequences, into that fire over and over again and the burns never had time to heal. They just festered, laid dormant for a short while, and flared up again...over and over and over.

Now I gaze into the eyes of a woman who harbors a deep sadness. An injured woman who has hidden a lifetime of hurt. A child who has spent 40 years crying and fearing for her life. It breaks my heart. It almost broke hers.

But sometimes I look in the mirror I see a spark of life. Her eyes are blue again and her complexion is healthy. And I think just maybe there is hope for her afterall. It's been a very long and arduous journey.

Monday, September 08, 2008

my tooth karma

I lost you many years ago, 
decades actually
But how I became a toothless me 
is not held in any of my memories
I should have run 
but I did not flee
Because my future I didn't see

maybe this...

My teethies they did cease to exist
when I brushed my teeth with the loser's fist
Oh he must have been so pissed
to have offered me such a violent kiss

My two front caps fell out in the early spring.  It's now mid-autumn and still no new teeth.  So what has happened? There is some bad karma connected with the loss of my teeth.  Maybe I need to unequivocably accept the violence perpetrated against me by my ex. No more excuses.  No more denial.  No more pretend that the only unsavory acts he engaged in were committed under the influence of alcohol. He is a criminal.  He abused me.  He knocked my teeth out - kicked? punched?  I don't know but I know that he did.

May I have my new teeth now?  The first set of permanent crowns got lost when they were shipped to the dentist.  They were never found.  I had another impression made and another set of crowns.  Three weeks later I went back to the dentist to have them installed.  Not yet. They were two different shades.  This has never happened before.  I don't understand.  The dentist was clearly stumped.  She sent them back.  Three more weeks to wait.  I go next week.  I go after the soul retrieval.  Maybe it will be time to get rid of the old and rejoice in the new.  

Maybe it will be time to smile a real smile that radiates from the soul.

Yes, I think so.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

11 stitches

I emailed my older brother asking for any information he might remember about my teeth. Weeks went by with no response...until tonight. At 9:29 an email arrived in my inbox and no, he regrets that he has no memory of how I lost my teeth but he did understand why our sister would blame my ex-husband. He proceeded to tell me about an incident that occurred in front of our house.

I was engaged in a 'huge argument' with my ex and he was 'slapping me around.' My brother went to my rescue and the result of the ensuing altercation was 11 stitches just above his eye. My sister and his girlfriend, watching from the porch, called the police and the arrest was made. I didn't find the arrest record in my earlier search because according to my brother I pleaded with him to drop the charges which he reluctantly and foolishly did.

In the last two weeks I have had a number of heated discussions with the LOML about my brother's lack of response. Didn't he love me? What had I done to cause him to feel such contempt toward me that he wouldn't respond? I was afraid to call him. I made excuses and justifications. I didn't know what to expect but what I got I didn't expect at all. I never imagined that my ex left my brother physically scarred as well.

I phoned the LOML and shared the email. He asked how I felt. Not sure. The conversation was maybe 2 minutes before he said he had to go and hung up. I cried, my back spasmed, and I limped over to my bed where I collapsed.

I don't remember this incident. I have so little recollection of all the abuse I must have endured during my involvement with that horribly abusive bastard. I dissociated and I didn't learn.

I read this morning that when a child suffers abuse at the hands of a caretaker or a parent, they often dissociate from the trauma because that is the only way they can maintain their relationship with the caretaker. I wasn't a child with my ex but in a way I was a child -- a 17 year old child. I had not grown up or healed from my earlier traumas and abandonment and he was in a twisted, demented way, my caretaker - the one person I believed was going to be there for me. So I left my reality, my terrifying and abusive reality. I wonder what I thought when my brother tried to save me. Why would I have chosen my ex over my brother? I had no relationship with my brother. I had no trust or faith in him. How sad is it that I had more trust or faith in a man who hit me than I had in my brother who tried to stop him. I am certain there is something more to this story.

My brother ended up with 11 stitches over his eye. I have a scar on my chin, a scar next to my left eye, a lump from a broken nose, two broken front teeth, a scar on my breast, and a damaged kidney. Who knows what I don't remember.

He is a monster and he belongs in prison.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Soul Retrieval

Today I scheduled time with a Shaman healer -- October 8th, 2 p.m. -- to do a soul retrieval. I'm not really sure what to expect but I have done a little research on the internet and ordered a book that the shaman recommended I read prior to our session. The prospect is both exciting and frightening. Is my soul misplaced? Has it been stolen? I think both.

Based on what I read about soul retrieval thus far, here's what I surmise about my own life. In my childhood or adolescence when I was sexually abused, I lost a piece of my soul. It (she) fled from the trauma, frightened and humiliated. A few years later another part of her ran away in terror from an abusive, demented husband.

But what did that leave of me? I never felt whole. I wandered this world almost my entire life feeling like a lost soul -- little did I know that I actually was. So what does all this mean? Am I not the person I think I am? Will there be a noticeable change once my soul becomes an integrated whole again? Will it help me to fill in the gaps of my life? Maybe I will just begin to heal and feel better, but better in a way I'm not sure I've experienced. Better in a way that I don't know how to quantify.

Maybe I'm looking for a get-healed-quick fix. I believe that convincing my refugee soul to come back to me will allow me to continue to the next level of my healing. I have recognized the abuse. I have acknowledged the abuse. I think I may even be at long last accepting the abuse. Now I need to locate my lost soul and make her a part of my being again. I need to promise her protection, stability, security, love and respect.

I am confident the healing process will then enter into a new stage and bring harmony into my shattered world.