Tuesday, August 02, 2011

and so it goes


We spent 10 days traveling, relaxing, and adventuring in Central America. It went well with only a few minor glitches. We had discussions, good ones, healthy ones, with openness and honesty. Did it always feel good? No way. And we had two spats that were hurtful but we handled them differently and it worked. No lasting hard feelings, no tears, no sleepless nights.

Now we are back in reality. The fantasy was fun but now the hard stuff resumes. I don't know what will happen but I have hope and he has hope. This is positive.

And work may be picking up again (for us both). And I have hope and he has hope This is positive.

And this is all good.

You have served me well.  Thank you.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

the end is near

I know the last time I thought this my world crumbled. I am thinking it again only this time my world won't crash. Things are going well with us.  That does not mean that this reconnection is easy. It is anything but. But I have hope and he has hope. We have more than hope; we have confidence. So I am going to turn my energies toward healing and moving forward.

It is time for a new blog or new venture. This blog has served me well.

Oh, what about therapy? It shall continue with some SE touch work. Dr. B and I agree that maybe now I will be able to do this without the painful consequences. Remember way back when?

Thursday, July 07, 2011

life's looking up...

Heck, Casey Anthony is free. The weather is in the 90's with high humidity. My boss's mother-in-law was found dead in her chair at the nursing home by her daughter. And my poison ivy hasn't gone away yet.

So, I will stop complaining. Life with him is moving along in the right direction. He's kind and loving and affectionate and transparent (I hope). I have attempted to slow the desire to spend my every waking moment outside of work with him. Why? Because when I am away from him nasty thoughts infiltrate my mind and body and I feel hurt and angry. Oh yes, that is normal but I don't want it. It does nothing positive.

So I have been forcing myself to spend some alone time with myself so that I can heal the wounds and not just hide from the pain in the comfort of his arms. I want to enjoy my time with him and it has been a little rough at times. Last Saturday night I had a meltdown and he didn't know what to do. I just sobbed and he felt so guilty he just wanted to run away and hide. I didn't let him and he put aside his guilt and discomfort and eased my suffering.

He's trying...that's all I can say.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

taking possession

I wandered off my path in therapy. I started therapy with Dr. B however many years ago to find a way to integrate my parts and become "whole."  And that's what I primarily worked on - trauma healing to become whole - until the end of last year when other life stuff veered me off my course. This 'life' stuff was important but lately, I was beginning to feel that therapy was more of a chat time than a healing time and although I am more 'whole' than I have ever felt in my entire life, I don't think I'm quite done.

So, I told Dr. B last night that I need to get back on course to finish my work. "I feel so different," I told her. "I look at life in a whole new way; I feel positive and lighter, and more complete. I just feel better." She smiled and said that I was so much better. "Look at the boundaries you have just recently set!" Another miracle, I'm sure.

"I'm not really sure how I got here. I talk to you; I cry to you; I complain to you and then you ask me to sit quietly and feel what's going on inside my body." And I've been doing this for several years and I feel better but I don't know how it works. She has explained to me how it works - somatic experiencing - but it's still not easy to fathom. It feels like it should be more, more painful, more devastating, more suffering. Maybe I have just forgotton.

Time was up and she isn't one to run over. "If I were to sum it up in one sentence," she pondered. "Hmmm...I would say, 'you took possession of yourself.'"

I like that. Maybe I took back possession of myself but I'm not so sure I ever had possession.

Monday, June 27, 2011

favorable outlook

Okay, so we spent a -- hmmm...how to describe our weekend together. It was intimate (and it didn't involve sex); it was emotional, it was healing, it was gentle, it was, at times, normal, it was slow and quiet. And most definitely it was loving.

And exhausting, and a roller coaster of emotions for me when we were apart. I still cannot reconcile what happened between us. I listen to him; I feel him. He's filled with sorrow and remorse and hurt over his life, especially the last seven years or so. He wants to bury his head in a project and not deal with the uncomfortable emotions that erupt. But that doesn't work anymore and he doesn't quite get it. I encourage him to embrace his feelings, accept them, and allow himself the time and space to heal them. For two decades I watched him distract himself from his emotions with work. He is trying. It is exhausting.

Friday, June 24, 2011

An email subject line read, "data breach quiz" and I thought it was "breakup quiz."

I had a strained day yesterday which left me heavyhearted. I was as dismal inside as the weather was outside. I worked my evening job but spent much of the time distracted and impatient (and I need oodles of patience at this job). The woman I worked for detected my angst and tried to stay focused but it was difficult for us both.

I came home, crammed food into my mouth and then crammed some more, without waiting for that internal signal to tell me I was full. I checked my emails and was in bed before 10 p.m. I just couldn't deal with any residue from my day. It all ended with a fitful sleep wracked by unpleasant, anxious dreams.

Things with him have been progressing gently, with lots of love, compassion, and forgiveness.  Believe me, it is NOT easy. It is easy to love him, it is easy to be loved by him, it is even easy to forgive him...but it is not easy to erase the hurt of his betrayal.  I look at something and I think, "did he purchase this for their home?" I find myself asking him just that and then I regret it. It is not whether he tells me 'yes' or 'no', it is the sadness that surfaces - it is the fact that the question always lies in wait. I try very hard to let go. I have a much better understanding of what went down the last seven or so years and I have sympathy and tenderness toward him. He hurts, more than me. It's genuine and it's painful to watch and feel.

It is still a very confusing place to be. Why do I love this man so completely when his betrayal was so absolute? I don't harbor much anger toward him at all; he has enough contempt for the both of us. Yesterday there was an edginess to his voice; he tried in vain to keep the love and gentleness in his conversations with me.  The words were there but so was the edge of anger and frustration. Not at me, I'm sure. It was with himself and how he chose to live his life.

But it unnerved me.

Friday, June 17, 2011

is an eruption inevitable?

I sure hope not but sometimes I am overwhelmed with a feeling that all this love and compassion and forgiveness will evaporate and what will emerge will be a deluge of bad feelings - an eruption of anger and sadness that will choke me and leave me gasping for breath in some miserable reality.

But I don't believe that. It is fear talking. I look at him and I can feel truth and sincerity in his words and actions. I have always felt love but it was never pure. I sensed the secrets and the lies. I just didn't know what they were. I don't experience that anymore.

I believe he is sincere. Time, I suppose, and his actions toward me and with me, will heal my wounds and mistrust. Unfortunately it doesn't happen overnight. But it seems to be happening quickly.

I don't feel any volcanic rumblings in my gut. I don't feel any angry anguish in my heart.

I think (and I pray) that this will work out and I will be okay.